Lady Voldemort... She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named

Friday

I was just getting ready to go over to Boogie's house when my sister yelled up to Mom that I was going on a play date.

She thinks she's really funny, and she over-uses the playmate zing all the time because she knows it bugs me.

I'm pretty good at ignoring her most of the time. I try never to mention her by name because if you don't name something you might get lucky and it'll cease to exist.

Kinda like Lord Voldemort in the Harry Potter books. 

Harry Potter and his friends often refer to Voldemort as He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, and that's kinda like my sister. If Harry Potter lived around here, he'd probably call my sister She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.

Come to think of it, that's not bad. I think I'll start calling her that.  Either that, or Lady Voldemort.  That's good too!

When I do have to call her by name, I always call her Tabitha Marie Ridgemont because she hates her full name. She likes to go by Tabi, and that's what all her friends call her.

She does the same thing to me, but it doesn't really bother me when she calls me by my full name, Maximus Jeffery Ridgemont. I don't mind the sound of my full name, in fact I kinda like it although I go by Max most of the time.

I guess sisters are just supposed to be annoying because it's the way nature intended or something, but sometimes I wish Tabi would just put a cork in it.

She probably says the same thing about me, but I'm not the one who never shuts up so it's kinda obvious who should get the cork.

As much as Tabi annoys me, she does provide me with a constant source of entertainment as well. She's always doing something stupid that is way to easy to make fun of her about.

It's almost too easy these days because she's got braces on her teeth, and there's always something to say about those that gets her going.

Just this morning there was the sound of a train on TV so I went over and pretended to be looking for something in her mouth. When she asked me what I was doing, I said I heard a train so I was checking the tracks to see if I could see it.

It wasn't even one of my better ones, but she stormed off in a huff anyways like she usually does when I'm on my A game and zing her really good.

Wolverine vs Batman

Tuesday

Cindy Patterson glared at me in the hallway at school this morning.

I guess she's still mad about Mr. Sorenson's mistakenly thinking I was looking up her skirt.

I thought about pointing out to her that she had been wearing jeans, not a skirt, so Mr. Sorenson was clearly wrong, but then I decided against it.  I didn't have my drawing of the difference between jeans and skirts with me, and I always make my point better with visual aids.

At lunch, Boogie and I got into an argument over whether Wolverine or Batman would win in a fight.

Obviously Wolverine would, but Boogie kept arguing that Batman would win.

The argument didn't last very long because we didn't have any paper to draw on and make our points.

I almost always win when we have our argument on paper because I'm so awesome at drawing.  It's not fair really, because Boogie doesn't have much of a chance against my drawing skills.

Then things got a little crazy when Boogie spilled his drink all over Craig Johnson.

Boogie tried to say it was partly my fault because I pointed out Sheila Corunna was wearing a really nice shirt.  Boogie turned around really fast to see it, and that's when he knocked his drink over and it went all over Craig.

I can understand Boogie trying to take some of the heat off himself, especially since Craig is a jock, and really good at sports, and is really strong, and he was really mad, but I don't appreciate him trying to put the blame on me.

He could've pointed the finger at someone else instead of me, his best friend.

Since he didn't, I just looked shocked and said I didn't know what he was talking about because it was him that spilled his drink all over Craig, not me.

After some really dirty looks from Craig, and a few nasty comments about Boogie that I didn't really think were necessary, Craig headed off to the washroom to get cleaned up.

I was pretty sure that wasn't going to be the end of it though, and Boogie obviously didn't think so either because he didn't waste any time getting out of there through the door that was farthest away from the washrooms where Craig had headed.

TOP 10 REASONS I HATE BUBBLE GUM

Monday

I stepped in bubble gum today on the way to school.

I hate bubble gum.

It stuck to my shoe, and I couldn't get it off.  I got some of it off by scraping my foot along the sidewalk, but there was still pieces of gum stuck in the treads of my shoe.  I could feel it every time I took a step and my one foot stuck to the ground a bit.

I've never liked bubble gum.  Don't like blowing bubbles and don't like the taste of it... ANY of it.

And of course I hate it when I step in it like I did today.

To get my mind off the gum on my shoe and my foot sticking to the sidewalk as I walked, I decided to come up with my TOP 10 REASONS I HATE BUBBLE GUM.

TOP 10 REASONS I HATE BUBBLE GUM

1 – Stepping in other people's gum.  It's the worst.  You can't get it off your shoe, and your foot sticks to the ground.

2 – Tastes awful no matter what flavor.  I've tried pretty much all of them, and I don't like any of them (except MAYBE watermelon).

3 – People blowing bubbles look stupid.  They get these silly faces and make funny shapes with their mouths and their eyes bulge out.

4 – Hurts my jaw after chewing it for too long.

5 – Costs as much as a chocolate bar or a bag of chips, but doesn't fill you up.  If I'm gonna spend my hard-earned allowance on junk food, I want to at least not be hungry when I'm finished.

6 – Makes you hungry chewing it.  Related to Reason #5, not only does bubble gum not fill you up, it makes you hungry from chewing it.

7 – Stupid advertisements on tv make it look like crazy stuff will happen to you just from chewing gum.  I don't know anybody who has had a girl kiss him, or been able to fly, or had something else awesome happen to them just because they were chewing gum.

8 – I know I said I was making a list of my TOP 10 REASONS I HATE BUBBLE GUM, but I ran out of reasons at 7.  Sorry.

9 – See #8.

10 – See #9.

And then I thought of a few reasons I actually like bubble gum, so I ended up coming up with 5 THINGS I LIKE ABOUT BUBBLE GUM.

5 THINGS I LIKE ABOUT BUBBLE GUM

1 – Watermelon flavor is ok.

2 – Watching someone else step in bubble gum is kind of funny.

3 – Cute girls chewing bubble gum and blowing bubbles gives you a reason to watch them without being accused of staring.

4 - Watching other people who look stupid chewing gum is funny.

5 – Some of those tv ads are kinda cool and have good special effects.

Even though I came up with 7 REASONS I HATE BUBBLE GUM and only 5 THINGS I LIKE ABOUT BUBBLE GUM, I think the likes win, mostly because of #2, #3, and #4 (and mostly, mostly because of #3).

totally WASN'T trying to look up Cindy Patterson's dress

Monday

I ended up in detention again today at school, but it wasn't my fault.

Really! It was a big misunderstanding on the teacher's part, but I can see how he thought I was trying to look up Cindy Patterson's dress.

I TOTALLY WASN'T, but I'm just saying I can see how he might've thought that.

Boogie and I sit next to each other in math class and were having a little disagreement over whether Darth Vader or Professor Xavier would win in a fight.

It's pretty obvious that Darth Vader would win, but Boogie kept insisting Professor X would.

I like the X-Men a lot, and Professor X is pretty cool for an old guy, but there's no way he's more powerful than Darth Vader. I mean, come on... Darth Vader is a Jedi, and he's got the WHOLE power of the Dark Side. That totally trumps Professor Xavier's mind powers.

Anyway, Boogie and I were writing and doodling back and forth on a piece of paper as obviously you can't have a serious debate like this out loud in math class. Mr. Sorenson would get mad cause all the kids would be more interested in Darth Vader vs Professor X than in the math lesson.

I'd just finished drawing a pretty awesome picture of Darth Vader's hand using the Force to shove Professor X's wheelchair like a million miles away and was passing the paper back to Boogie to show him when it fell on the floor.

It floated a bit and landed underneath the table behind ours, right in front of Cindy Patterson's feet.

The good thing was that Cindy hadn't noticed because I had to get that paper back. Not just because there was a lot of cool drawings on it, but because Mr. Sorenson would probably send us both to detention if he saw we were passing notes in class and not paying attention to his lesson.

Of course, I ended up in detention anyways, but now you can see I was only trying to get our paper back, not trying to look up Cindy Patterson's skirt which is what the teacher thought when he saw me crawling on the floor in front of Cindy Patterson's feet.

The good thing is all the guys thought it was pretty funny so my cool level is probably pretty high right now around the school. Hopefully it hasn't hurt my likeability level with the girls, but I'm not sure. Cindy Patterson was pretty mad, and the girls sitting with her didn't seem too impressed either.

It wasn't until I got down to the detention room that I realized I had the perfect argument to answer Mr. Sorenson's accusation that I was trying to look up Cindy Patterson's skirt.

Cindy wasn't wearing a skirt. She was wearing jeans.

Unfortunately, I realized at that point that it was too late to try to point this out to Mr. Sorenson, so I just found a seat in detention and stared at the clock like all the other kids were doing.

After detention was over, I drew this helpful illustration for Mr. Sorenson showing the difference between jeans and a skirt.  I think I'll give it to him tomorrow at the beginning of math class.

forced to watch GLEE

Friday

I was forced to watch GLEE last night. My sister insisted on watching it, and we only have one tv in the family room so we all have to watch the same tv show.

I've been asking for my own tv for years now, but Mom says one tv is more than enough mental debilitation for all of us. I'm not really sure what she means by that, but it sounds kinda cool so I don't know what the problem is.

My sister is crazy about this GLEE show so we all get forced to watch it every Thursday night when it's on. I guess I can see why she likes it. It's kind of a girlie show with lots of singing, talk about clothes, and romance stuff.

I can sorta see why the guys in the show are doing the GLEE club thing. They probably figured out it was a great way to meet girls and score some bonus points for being in touch with their emotions and all that.

We don't have a GLEE club at school, or I might just try it out myself. A guy's got to do everything he can these days to get in good with the ladies. It's a romantic jungle out there!

Since I had to watch GLEE anyways, I decided to draw some sketches of some of the main characters.  I've labelled them for those of you that haven't seen the show.

This is Coach Sue.  She's totally not hot, but she's really good at being mean in a funny kind of way that makes you laugh.

This is Mr. Schue.  He's the teacher that runs GLEE club.  He's a bit of a nerd, but then he seems to do quite well with the ladies so it's good to know there's hope for all of us.

Related diary entries...

Justin Bieber on GLEE

the great variety store door incident

Wednesday

Today in class I was daydreaming, remembering the time we tied the door shut on the variety store by Boogie's house.

The owner was a really nasty guy who used to yell at all the kids and follow us around the store glaring at us. He used to go off on rants about how “we were all little thieves” and how “in his country we'd get our hands chopped off for stealing”.

I always thought it was a really bad way to treat your best customers.

Us kids probably made up more than half of his business since we were there every day on the way to school, coming home from school, at lunch time, and even after dinner sometimes.

If I had've saved all my allowance money that I've spent in his store, I'd probably be a multi-billionaire now hanging out with Bill Gates and Warren Buffett (Warren Buffett is this SUPER RICH guy my Dad is always going on about).

Anyway, me and Boogie got really tired of him hassling us all the time so we came up with a plan to get him back.

(Everyone says I'm wicked awesome at drawing.  Don't worry though, if you practice really hard, you can probably be as good as me someday too.)

We found some wire in the dumpster at school, the kind that they use for cords on lamps and stuff. We tied it really tight to the bike rack around the corner of the store, and then Boogie crawled along the sidewalk in front of the store so that the owner wouldn't see him, just like the Navy Seals do.

We'd tied a slip knot in the end of the wire and made sure it was secure. Once Boogie made it to the door, he reached up and slipped it over the door handle and pulled it tight. That was my cue to pull the wire as tight as I could by wrapping it around where we'd tied it off at the other end.

I signalled Boogie when it was as tight as I could get it, and Boogie jumped up in front of the door.

The owner was busy following some little kids around, so Boogie banged on the door to get his attention. I was impressed with how loud Boogie was able to bang. He was using his palms, hands wide open, and it was REALLY LOUD! He was making faces too, which combined with the banging, had the desired effect.

The owner spun around when he heard the noise, saw Boogie making faces at him while banging away on the door, and ran straight at the door, which is exactly what we'd hoped he would do.

Boogie jumped back a couple feet and continued making faces.

The owner hit the door at a run, hands in front of him, thinking he was gonig to burst out of the store after Boogie.

What actually happened was that the wire held firm, the door didn't budge, and the owner went flying backwards, crashed into a display of pop and chips, and landed on his butt.

It was definetely one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Boogie and I were rolling on the ground laughing with tears falling down our cheeks.

The owner had got back up and was screaming at us while frantically trying to get the door open, which of course made us laugh even harder. We waved back at him, made a few more faces, and then decided we'd better get going before he remembered he could get out through the door in the back of the store.

We laughed all the way back to Boogie's house, and we still get into fits of uncontrollable laughter whenever we talk about it, which is kinda what got me in trouble in class today.

I forgot where I was while I was remembering “the great variety store door incident” and burst out laughing remembering the store owner's face when he landed on his butt in a pile of pop and chips.

I guess I was laughing pretty loud, cause the teacher yelling at me interrupted my train of thought and I suddenly realized the whole class was staring at me and the teacher was going on about me being disruptive for the last time and I should go to the detention room right NOW!